"Why I'm Perfect" by wrestler "Mr
Perfect" Curt Hennig
This issue a lot of you people out there must be eating your hearts
out. Why? Because of me, Mr. Perfect. Every time you see me, you know,
deep down in your hearts, you can never be perfect like Curt Hennig.
And, by the way, that's spelled H-E-N-N-I-G. With two n's, you boobs.
Not just you readers, you fans, but everyone in the WWF knows in their
heart of hearts they will never equal me. Perfection is something I've
perfected. There is no wrestler
in the ring today, and there never was, with my level of excellence at
everything I do.
I don't have to explain my perfection, but I decided that it'd be fun
to do it. Also, I wanted to make sure that, in case anybody out there
had ideas about trying to be perfect like me, they'd save themselves
the trouble and forget it.
I am the peak of perfection becasue I care about every single thing
that I do and that happens to me. No one is more important than I am,
so there is nothing unimportant in my
life. Every second of my life matters.
Other people may care about their lives, too. I'm sure even losers do.
But the difference between them and me is that I can do something about
it. I have the ability to do it right, each and every time. These
abiities are part of my being. I didn't build them. I was born with
them. I guess I'm just lucky beyond belief and the rest of you aren't.
Now, let's compare me with some of my inferiors in the WWF. Like Brutus
"the Barber" Beefcake. Unlike me, he makes mistakes. He wastes time
with his ridiculous struttin' and cuttin'. I mean, the guy is out of
his gourd. My ring style uses every ounce of my perfect ability. If
Brutus ever messes with me, he won't do any more cuttin'. I will. I'll
cut him down to size.
And look at wimp Rick Martel. He's the epitome of stupidity. The guy
got mashed and should have stayed out of the ring forever. He proved he
didn't have it. But here he is back again. Looking for more hurt.
Another guy who makes a pretense of perfection is Bret "Hitman" Hart.
Here's a guy who couldn't make it anymore in the tag team ranks, so
he's trying to wrestle singles. Watch him. He's confused. Whenever he
gets in trouble, he starts looking
for his corner and his partner. Only he doesn't have a partner
anymore. He's just too stupid to know it.
Well, I'm starting to waste time. If you dont get the idea by know, you
never will. Losers.
Brutus "the Barber" Beefcake: Yeah, Mr. Perfect. I
spent time struttin' and cuttin'. That's my style. And, you'd better
know, it works. You know what? One of these days, I'm going to give you
a perfect haircut. My kind of perfect.
Rick Martel: Mr. Perfect is all bluff. He's
perfect, all right. A perfect fool.
Bret "Hitman" Hart: Mr. Perfect is wasting his
time. He's the one who wastes time trying to prove he's so superior to
people. There's only one way to prove superiority in the WWF, baby. And
that's between the ropes. I know that. I don't think that chump Mr.
Perfect does. But, I'm ready to demonstrate, any time he wants me.
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Article originally published in
March 1989 edition